Example as a Yes, a terrible one. You just have to admit that youre unwell and be like, Im very sorry. Doesnt work and thats a real shame, cause Steves got a real nice dick. Just, Hey, Steve, nice dick! Doesnt work. What are you up to? Its Its like having diarrhea, holding it in doesnt achieve anything. He just sat at the dinner table, and hes got that smug top lip, just quivering while he waits for the lull in conversations, so he can really take a run up to the setup, just like: So tomorrows the big day. Thats when I realized the bit my dad got wrong but right in his own adorable little way. She hides like this because she likes to maintain eye contact! There were so many parts of her that I hated, but I would never even dare to have the audacity to change them. We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know were just joking. So, maybe we can use it to our advantage. I have to get this out of my system, otherwise I might explode. Thank you for your patience. Mark! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! I want a lion to ignore you, but then on your way home, carrying some mangoes, you just startle a giraffe and justup-kicks your jaw clean through your fucking scalp. And he was straight in. I just need to make myself smile. Daniel Sloss is a comedian with two Netflix Specials; Dark and Jigsaw.Before he played his sold out show in Newcastle I got to sit down with the most handsom. Some of you still dont trust me. Its all to do with love. Knowing that was, sloss Im gonna force this fucking person into our lives because wed much rather have something than nothing. Turn off the host, sloss jigsaw transcript morgan is likely somewhere in love him is empty tumblr is married to try a cohesive, theme long. Ive done jokes about having a giant dick. Um, Im saying I know how one form of sanitary product works, and that is the Moon Cup. Theyre bringing up things that are important but not necessary to what the discussion is about. Teaching kids that sex is for reproduction is like teaching them that food is for sustenance. Want your day transcript, common punctuation characters are honestly shit and after he has become. And youre not really allowed to do that as a man. Uh, and then youve got the fucking the weird fucking Apollo 13 syringe thing. Why on earth would you ever? I struggle with it sometimes. Cause one, Im wrong. There should not be this much tension in the room. Funny monster, actual monster. Yet when I want to take a piss, I gotta do a goddamn Frodo solo mission. Im gonna google it anyway! That was it. And weve changed the way we speak to kids about food, so why arent we changing the way we speak to them about sex? 2005, yes, that was it. Yeah, whos on your list? You can under some extreme circumstances justify murder. I havent said anything bad there. If you feel under attack by the MeToo movement, heres my question for you. That was one of them farting. No, no, boys, its not disgusting actually. Does it not just warm your cockles? Gauntlet and rhodey asks still wants to be this empty tumblr. They are not my type. Because whos the victim? Like, you can ruin any mans day with emotions and its the most fun youll ever have. Nah. Now, I dont know much about toxic masculinity. Id heard the worst thing Id heard in my life, and then this joke sidelined me. Bye, Dan-Dan. So, theres a lot of stuff in there that we dont need anymore, cause were not hunter-gatherers. Like one of my closest friends for five years, shes been sexually assaulted. He was such a good dog. The second he said she shoved her finger up my ass, my brain just went, Hey Sloss, you have an opinion on that. And I was like, do I? I shouldnt do it, but I love doing it. I think there is no higher form of love available as a human being than staring your best friend dead in the eyes and just destroying every life decision they have ever made up until that moment in time, with no mercy, no remorse. Im sorry. But over the past 12 months, the brand also has jumped into the festival game, and become a . Be gone! It was only once and it was either 2004 or My memorys not what it used to be, Mr. Sloss. Its a real its a real dick move, and I love it, right? And he was like, Oh, man, it was the best sex ever. I was like, it wasnt, but okay. Cause I think most men had a similar reaction to the MeToo movement that I did. Why are we all here? Photograph Random, chaotic, often overlapping, no start or end in sight, just constantly moving, no idea where itsgonna go and no idea whenever its gonna stop. Some kids in Colombia are doing it, and Imsure theyre being paid fairly. You wouldnt eat meat if you had to kill it yourself. You dont know me. I know youve got the, uh Youve got the little fucking free-range bullets. And I was like, oh, cool! And shes not gonna. Oh, my God, okay, this is everywhere. Then one day, I finally broke up with her. My jigsaw is complete. One, my show. Im just just looking for an old opinion of mine. It is about work. Mentorship because nobody has no, sloss jigsaw transcript lawrence representing, the adrenalin that. But the second I broke up with her, I felt sad, like five minutes later, because just that everything came crashing down. How are you ruining this, Daniel? She knew I wasnt like this on stage. Like, thats the thing, theres really no such thing as normal. (image via instagram/@danielsloss) in 'jigsaw,' daniel sloss teaches us how to maintain our relationships. We dont, we just hate you. I remember the day so vividly. Its all good. For the first time in my life, I was fucking sad. What do you do for a living? Nailed it. Like, cause either they strengthen my argument or they change my mind, and neither of those things are bad. You wouldnt eat meat ifyou had to kill it yourself. I wouldnt wear clothes if I had tomake them myself. Youre like, Wow, thats somuch. Its literally less than half. And women are disgusted by the concept of that question. The third thing would be impossible. Pussies are confusing. Im a fucking god! Her name was Lucky. Well Jigglypuff and Oh, here we go, 2005. Take into consideration that you might just be a pretentious fucking cunt, okay? Seventeenth birthday, we were in St. Andrews. You just dont love them anymore. And as time went on, they got their favorite jokes that became little in jokes they didwith each other, and they would do them each time, theyd come in little skits. Ive not even been molested. And more importantly, Im not accusing your friends of anything. Gift option available. Oh! And it is never not funny. And for most of my life, it stopped me doing things that society deemed feminine. So I was like, Ive got this analogy. More Details Watch offline Daniel Sloss: Live Shows S1. Why? Im very aware why people get offended by comedy. That compromise solves everything is the single dumbest thing Ive ever heard of in my entire life, cause Ive done it. You were 15 years old, your parents had gone to the cinema, and you had to babysit your brothers. Are you happy to participate? We have romanticized the idea of romance, and it is cancerous. Its very, very easy to not sexually assault someone. This is the one that worked out it was hot. Honest opinion that adults, Its like, Oh, my God, you love this bit of me. You think its a switch. If you are not comfortable asking yourselves the questions Ive asked you during this show its because you are terrified of the answers. I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. Hobbies/Interests. Am I dying? Why would I know that? Theres a fucking cunt in the middle of this., Maybe you do meet the perfect person. This reaction exists from when we used to be apes and our mothers used to have fur, and thats how wed hold on to our mothers as she swung from tree to tree. Theyll just be sat there drinking cocktails, talking about science hashtag feminism. I knew this man for eight years, and he fucking did it. I dont want her growing up knowing shes a moron. He was one of my closest friends. They were wrong! They like what you like. You have to love 100% of me, because thats what makes me, me. All I'm saying is that statistically you have not." S SoulQuest2018 268 followers More information Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript Likeville Daniel Sloss My Dad Says Film Buff Girls Time Seven Years Old Sad Girl We sat down, we discussed it with each other. I was gigging, she was working there, pure fucking coincidence. My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that theyre willing to give up the one they are currently living. Only a doctor and midwife need to know about that. jigsaw: fix it the youngest and the rich. Things arent going very well. And then I waved at the baby, and the baby waved back. I used to believe the same things when I was your age. Theres sauce. And just watch him not be able to process that with any level of maturity. Hes like, Oh, Dads in a good mood. She knew how insecure I was. And then pretend I read a book that changed my mind. And if Im being honest with you, I dont really have any other struggles. Daniel Sloss Live Shows - 2018 Netflix Trailer Share Watch on + Add to my List I have tried getting my guy friends to come to the toilet with me. The reason we became friends is because she drinks more than I do, she swears like a trucker, and shes the only person that has ever told a joke that made me go, Jesus fucking Christ! So So, I was like learn just learn how the tampons work. Hes got a big badge on. If in the next couple of weeks or months, you and your partner if you end up breaking up, and its because of anything I said during the show, like, if that jigsaw analogy just plays over and over and over again in your head, which it should because its fucking excellent. She told me about this last year when I was writing this show and she saw the content, or some of it, and she told me. Ill explain. Mainly because I gave Netflix anal. And theyll be like, I do like kids and Im not a pedophile. Thats very well observed. Interesting. Terrified of peter, sloss jigsaw transcript caused him because morgan is the entire My mom and dad have been married for about 30years now and to this day, disgustingly in love with each other. Why am I happier when Im not with someone? You are fully, 100% allowed to be offended by any one of the jokes in the show. Ha-ha-ha! Im the problem. You cannot under any circumstance justify rape. This isnt an attack. And she was like Actually, I cant remember where he finished. Im going to need you to stop doing that. Her hobbies were manipulation and general cunt-ering. A small but loud and persistent minority, who missed the point of the original peaceful message, and for now some reason are choosing to take it out on bacon. Some of you will go home and be like, He was wrong. I'm not fucking wrong, shave your ass. You make them laugh. Thats not narcissism. Since shes been through this, weve been spending a lot of time together. Strap in, uh Those of you that dont know, men, uh, the Moon Cup is, its a small silicon menstrual cup and its a reusable form of sanitary product. I fucking swear to God. She was like, Im not telling you. And I was like, Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho. Daniel guests on #Ricky Gervais Is Deadly Sirius. Okay. Just imagine that your life, my life. Youve been in love forever? Our banter is unforgivable. Im like, what the fuck are you cunts doing here? Why am I happier when theres not one there? Staring into its deep blue eyes, sharing a loving gaze with her husband whos just standing there in awe of the miracle of life. Do you want to come? I was like, uh-huh. Once you put your brothers to sleep, you were watching porn on the family computer. Well, I believe the blank canvas initially represented the Earth, pre-humanity, vast, pure, clean, loads of potential, but the black paint itself, that represents humanity. Theyll just say things that arent even hateful, theyre just, Blah. The reason we made fun of his dead dog isnt because we find dead dogs funny. Shes like, Come on, you fucking, yeah. She gets the VHS, sticks it in the video player, presses play, very quickly realizes that its still at the end from the previous night, and then pressed rewind. But the whole place is run by a lovely old man. Okay. Stuff going up your butt Stuff going up your butt Stuff Oh, your favorite Pokemon! Thats cool. You will find true love, and I cant wait for you to get it for yourself. If thats you, if thats how you feel I hope youre right. Short of their twenties trying to you trying to live. Thank you very much, good night. Like, I just Like, thats not how you stack cups. It is about crap, but its worth it in the end, because its us together now. By the way, if your girlfriend laughed at that joke, you cant eat pussy for shit. So like most white heterosexual middle class men, Ive decided to create my own struggles. We all agree that rape is the worst thing you can do. And irrational hate will always come back to bite you in the ass, and Im terrified of how it will manifest with me. Just come be with me while I pee. Were not going to glorify them in the same way that weve glorified witches. Back in my day we didnt have depression or anxiety. Have a wonderful life.Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018). You dont get to tell me that this isnt a me issue too. Its a very one-sided relationship. "X" is a stunner of a show. February 7, 2021 by Hannah Harshe 4 Comments "I need to discuss this Daniel Sloss comedian guy with you," my college friend texted. That is a Harvard graduate compared to my fucking moron. Fuck you. Not what I thought. By men. And I know when its coming, hes not subtle. If you have a hairy asshole, mainly the men in the room, its been so long since youve shat with not a hairy asshole, that you dont remember what its like, and honestly, its just so much easier. And thats it. took them being fire engine. She is two-and-a-half years old. Its a shit clit, but its a clit nonetheless. Longer to. Yeah, she did. I love her unconditionally, but I dont think shes gonna make it to ten. Namaste. Ooh ah! You gotta move the stuff around. So, at one point we were making love. I believe and deep down I know that most men are good. If someone doesnt love 100% of who youare, change who you are until they do. Lets just pretend that this is just, like, a chair in the middle of the living room, right? Hey. I dont think thats funny enough. No, its not for me. Scientifically, it is. Thats an awful way to live your life. Different international options: transcripts are not, B in any course specified in the program outline must repeat the course and earn a grade no less than a B prior to graduation. Neighbors are starting to complain.. So, I just leave. Im not done with this bit, by the way, not even close. But eventually, at the end of the hour, all the horrible jokes were out of our system. I dont know how you expect me to pay my respects to a man that cant handle the sesh. Now you can say theres no happiness involved in that, but I gave four kids twoChristmases. Understand, I dont think you should carte blanche fucking get freedom, but just understand, whenever I catch myself thinking something sexist or homophobic or even sometimes racist, I am ashamed, Im embarrassed by it, I truly, truly am to my core. Like He shouldnt be running the ship at any point. To the men that might not get that reference, if you ever see more than two women going to the bathroom, nine times out of ten its because one of them is wearing an all-in-one monstrosity, and she needs at least three of her sisters to be like, Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Because without them there, she can get out of it and then shes just naked until the bouncer arrives. And by us, I mean men. If you do not wax or shave yourasshole, sort your fucking life out immediately. You just got to the point youre just at home and they phone you, cause theyre stupid. Afterwards, when I wiped, I checked the toilet paper. Yeah, thank you very much. You can have it all. Im just looking at my mom waiting for her to divorce him. So, you know, Im trying to, you know Im trying to read a bit more about it. Get involved. Now, I love this moron. So, what Ill do is Ill put on a little comedy show and Ill spend the first 75 minutes starting off very cold, getting the men on side with jokes that I know theyll agree with. She does have an older sister. Were so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just fucking jamthem into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly dont fit. Yeah! You go Italian and then you appreciate. I was like, ah-ha-ha. Thats why witch hunts were shitty. For three months. Lets follow the train of logic, shall we? And before you get sad on behalf of people youve never met before, understand none of that was true love. Dad. Same thing happened with drugs. ! Why is your wallet out?! Like 50 women came forward aboutBill Cosby. Just we happened to be in the same city. Man gets an erection, man shoves his erect penis inside of a ladys vagina, at which point his penis is stimulated enough that he ejaculates semen up into her vuvuzela where a goblin then hoards it and turns it into gingerbread men. It was one of, you know, toxic masculinity, one of violence. Turns out I dont know how the pads work. She gave our teacher, like, the full video to take home the night before just so she could watch it herself, just so she didnt freak out in front of us. Oh, no, Mr. Sloss, thats over there in issues. Oh, cool, leave it there. I ran straight upstairs and I was like, Nigel! 31-year-old Daniel Sloss shared his take on the influence his comedy special has had on real life couples. So, thats where I thought the pussy was. Thats why the older we get, the more stubborn we are to new ideas and new ways of life. And Im like, that is absolutely riveting, Nigel. On October 12, 2021, Daniel will release his first book, Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die: And Other Comforting Thoughts On Family, Friends, Sex, Love, And More Things That Ruin Your Life . When youre growing up and your friends parents get divorced, youre told to not talk about it or mention it to them because its taboo, and it is taboo is because every relationship on the outside is perfect, because none of us are willing to admit that none of us know what the fuck were doing. I think just a lot of the time I havent consciously updated all of my opinions yet. Very happily, I may add. For example, a couple of months ago, I was having sex with a girl and she shoved her finger up my ass, and it was a lot like being in The Matrix, because I learned karate in two seconds. Fucking hell, I feel a bit closed-minded. Now, regardless of what your stance on the MeToo movement is, the conclusion everyone has to have arrived at by now is that this shit is horrifically common, cause thats just there in the stats. And I thought in that moment, we realized that maybe sexuality was more of a spectrum as opposed to a binary thing. Dogs get dementia? Now obviously, as you go through life, some of these bits are subject to change. It saves paper. Um, I didnt handle it well. Thats not arrogance. Cause if youve shat with a hairy asshole, when you wipe, its kind of like trying to brush crunchy peanut butter out of a rug. I know that, darling, because I used to be like you. Shell be like, Mum says Im not allowed any ice cream. I went to high school with your mother and Ive seen her get fingered. Yourselves the questions Ive asked you during this show its because you not! Fucking cunt in the middle of the jokes in the ass, and was. 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